Almost

During the past few months I had always found myself wandering - both in thought and physically. I had always the itch to go somewhere, and do something. I felt so discontented with everything. But if truth be told, I was discontented with myself - above all. And so I often ask myself, Is this depression during pregnancy? I really would not know because I am the one in the situation. I cannot see myself.

Two more months to go and the real challenge will begin - motherhood. I decided that I will enjoy the pregnancy while it lasts. I conditioned my mind to stay away from drama and other emotional baggages, even if that means that I have to appear uncaring of other things. I am telling myself that I will make it. A lot has changed and the changes can not be reverted back easily, no matter how one wants to. That is, if one is willing to. 

But, just when I started enjoying, embraced the fact that I am pregnant, accepted that life is unfair, and had let go of useless troubles that had always bogged my mind, I was again faced with the threat of delivering my little one prematurely. Who's to blame? I don't really know. It does not really matter. Now, whoever said that "Wow, you look so carefree even when you're pregnant". Here's a word: It's all appearance. There's no reality in it. I look carefree because I want to appear carefree, not because I am. 

Because my little one's well being had been almost put in jeopardy, I know I am done with enjoyment. I don't care about pleasures at all. What is pleasure when I will be putting my little one into an ordeal? 

To my little one:

Sorry and hang on there. 

I love you with all my heart and being.

Let's both be strong.

We're in this together.

Fighting!

Momma