My Little One Has Arrived!

My Lil Caleb's Anthropometric Measurements

Caleb a few hours after his birth

 After nine long months of waiting, HE, my cherub, my little one, my new man, has finally arrived. On the fateful day of September 25, at exactly twenty seven minutes past one o'clock in the afternoon, Caleb Hendrik greeted the world with his cries. And so as one Indian saying goes, "When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced..." Surely, everyone was elated upon his arrival.

Caleb on oxygen inhalation

  However, his first few hours was not easy. He was distressed that necessitated for oxygen inhalation and other contraptions. At a very early age, he had to undergo tests and endure numerous needle pricks. It was indeed a pity knowing all these things should happen to such a powerless, helpless little creature. Worst of all, I couldn't take him home with me when I was advised with an MGH (may go home) order.

  So far, he has been doing good. His sucking improved. His color is turning pinkish. His abnormal breath sounds almost gone. He just needs to complete treatment before he can be finally sent home.

My Little Henry: The Love of My Heart, The Soul of My Soul , The Light of My Life

A New Mom's Thought 

Holding your own flesh and blood for the very first time stirs up this emotional joy inside. I could not exactly name it. I'm not even sure if anyone has already come up with a term to name it. As I cradle Caleb into my own arms, I thought to myself, all of nine months now, he is everything I wanted, he is everything a cherub in heaven would look like. So, it must be true...that, once you finally see your child, you'd forget all discomforts and pains you have experienced and encountered during your pregnancy and delivery. Caleb is my bundle of joy.

Sleeping, he looks so tiny and helpless. I can't help but feel the need to protect him from everything vile and wicked. :) I would want him to feel that his Momma would always be nearby for him.

Every time I look down at his tiny face, I wish that I could assure him of a life that's easy and happy. But, I know the truth - that life can't always be that way. All I can do is be behind his every step, catch him on every fall, welcome him back when he goes astray, love him unconditionally. We hope to teach him to be strong so that he can rely on his own strength and learn to depend on himself.

Almost

During the past few months I had always found myself wandering - both in thought and physically. I had always the itch to go somewhere, and do something. I felt so discontented with everything. But if truth be told, I was discontented with myself - above all. And so I often ask myself, Is this depression during pregnancy? I really would not know because I am the one in the situation. I cannot see myself.

Two more months to go and the real challenge will begin - motherhood. I decided that I will enjoy the pregnancy while it lasts. I conditioned my mind to stay away from drama and other emotional baggages, even if that means that I have to appear uncaring of other things. I am telling myself that I will make it. A lot has changed and the changes can not be reverted back easily, no matter how one wants to. That is, if one is willing to. 

But, just when I started enjoying, embraced the fact that I am pregnant, accepted that life is unfair, and had let go of useless troubles that had always bogged my mind, I was again faced with the threat of delivering my little one prematurely. Who's to blame? I don't really know. It does not really matter. Now, whoever said that "Wow, you look so carefree even when you're pregnant". Here's a word: It's all appearance. There's no reality in it. I look carefree because I want to appear carefree, not because I am. 

Because my little one's well being had been almost put in jeopardy, I know I am done with enjoyment. I don't care about pleasures at all. What is pleasure when I will be putting my little one into an ordeal? 

To my little one:

Sorry and hang on there. 

I love you with all my heart and being.

Let's both be strong.

We're in this together.

Fighting!

Momma

Us

Hush hush little one, there's just you and me now.
Hush hush my little love, there's just us now.

We're not beggars to plead.
We do not ask for the crumbs of your bread.
We're not ragged toys to be left behind.
We do not ask to be brought along.
We're not in a competition to compete.
We do not need to be ranked last.
We're not in a queue to fall in line.
Why should we wait?
We're not homeless.
We're not alone.

Because, there's still you and me.
Because, we have us, little one.

Sweet Child of Mine

The sweet child of mine is a HE! 

He is Caleb Zed Hendrik.

:)

What's In A Name

Naming your little one is among the many tasks you have to deal with before the baby finally comes out. Since, it takes him 9 months to be “term” (meaning he has completed all three trimesters or was able to reach 36 weeks age of gestation), you are given enough time to think about the perfect name that will fit him.

When I found out I was pregnant, my spouse was kind enough to allow me to handle the thinking. He left the task to me (while he dealt with other tedious tasks). It was a troubled time for the both of us then. 


Since then, I have been obsessing over coming up with names that our little one would be proud of when he or she comes of age.

Here are the considerations I’m giving great significance to:

• ·         The sound of the given name when combined with the last name. Of course, I would not want my little one's name to be misplaced or inappropriate for his or her last name. I would not want him to get teased when he grows up just because I gave him or her such name.
• ·         While I’m not very superstitious, I still give consideration to my folk’s belief – that the letters of the child’s name when counted in fingers should end in the middle one. They say, this signifies for prosperity as well as abundance in life. Oh well, it would not hurt to heed them.
• ·         How will the initials of my child’s name turn out? Take this for example: You give your son the name Philip. It turns out his middle initial is Inocencio and his last name is Grimaldo. This would give him the initials of P.I.G. Do you really want your child to be the butt of joke around kids his age?
• ·         It should say something. It should not be for the sake of just having a name to call him or her. There should be more to it than just a name, maybe a story or a meaning or a connection. Whatever that may be.

To help me with the search for my kid’s perfect name, I sought the help of many baby naming websites which proved to be very useful. Below is a list of the sites I recommend:

• Baby Center Baby Names
  
• Baby Names
  
• Baby Names World
  
• The Baby Naming Experience

06/01/10

Letter To My Unborn Little One

My Little Love,

I cannot express how much happiness you have brought me today – to feel you, to finally sense that you are one with me and that, you are living within my being. Thank you for giving me a reason to smile at the day ahead of me. There is just so much joy abounding inside me. I have already loved you the moment I found out you are inside of me. But, today, this morning, the love I always have for you is strengthened too many folds more because more than just knowing about your presence, I feel it. I feel it with every kick and move you make.

However, I have to admit that it makes me more nervous. This only means one thing, you are soon coming. And I am not yet sure I have already metamorphosed to become the mother right for you. But, your father and I have high hopes that we will endure everything. For you. We hope that we would be able to give you everything you deserve, from worldly possessions to abstract things money can’t buy. We promise you that we are not going to be the best parents. But we are going to be the type who will allow you to become the person you are going to be. We will be firm but loving. And should you stumble and go astray, rest assured that you will always have us to fall back on.

We are not going to be perfect parents – that, I am sure of. Our relationship will have its twists and turns. It is not going to be easy. But, you have my word little one, I shall see you through it all. We shall see you amidst all.

We love you. Can’t wait to see and be with you.

Loving you always,

Momma (and Papa)

05/18/10

Chicken Joy: Topnotcher of My Cravings List

Yes. I crave. A lot. Isn’t that a perfect sign that I am indeed going to have a child? Funny thing about this list is that most of them are not really the type of foods I would frequently desire for. But the thought of them makes my mouth water, which brings me to a second presumptive sign which is I believe to be ptyalism. Yes, that’s TA-YA-LI-SEM or TA-YA-LI-SIM, whichever you prefer. :)

#7 Spaghetti. 

I’m a pasta lover. I never had the slightest inkling that I was already “naglilihi” when I kept pestering my Mom to buy me spaghetti as pasalubong whenever they eat out. I thought I just loved spaghetti. The only difference was that I didn’t get contented with just eating what was on my plate. Yes, I went to the extent of asking whoever my companion was (most of the times, my Aunt) to give me the spaghetti on her plate, in addition to mine.

#6 Melon. 

I like the smell and the thought of its succulent juice is mouth watering.

#5 Mangoes. 

I prefer ripe, the yellow ones.

#4 Prunes. 

I never liked sour things. But with my pregnancy, prunes were an exception. I enjoyed chewing it.

#3 Chocolate drinks (specifically Chuckie). 

I’m not really into this type of drinks because I am the type who checks on the nutritional label at the back of each carton and I find it a waste no matter what fortification they did or claim they’ve done to it. But, the idea of sipping through a straw and creating a sound afterwards, when the carton becomes empty, was very appealing to me.

#2 Maruya. 

I like the taste of the flour used to keep the banana together and how crunchy it can get.

#1 Jollibee’s Chicken Joy. 

I don’t know why but I just like it. It does not matter if I eat it for breakfast, lunch and supper, everyday of the week. And because of this, my little one, though still unborn, already has a moniker - "Kokorokokok" or "Crocs" for short. 




05/12/10

Chronicle of the Bedbound

Since I have been diagnosed to be a candidate for threatened abortion, my OB GYN deemed it necessary that I be on complete bed rest for two weeks. Now, that’s where my problem comes in. I can endure staying in bed for the whole duration of a day and I’d be most grateful for that. But, for two weeks? Is that rest or punishment?

On my first few days, I happily complied with the definition of a complete bed rest. However, as the days went on, I started growing restless from doing nothing, bored to death and socially disabled. Yes, socially disabled, for lack of better word! I had no one to talk to inside the room. My spouse has to leave every morning and even during nights, at some times. Though he sees to it that I’m well and “feeds” me with whatever food I desire to my heart’s content, nothing beats the delight of a good hearty conversation.

Point of realization: You get to value the simplest of things when it is taken away from you. In my case, it is communication. It is not just a cliché, but a truth that had obviously made a great impact on how I dealt with people around me – to some or rather to my spouse whom I developed the habit of pushing away (though, I really wanted him to keep me company), I was becoming irritating; to my sisters who I kept bugging to do errands (I just wanted them there hoping we’d start a nice little chat), I was becoming too much; to my cousins, I was becoming an amusement (I was practically being a kid, sneaking out of the room just to get a glimpse of the television!); to my friends, I was becoming elusive, ignoring their messages. And now, I laugh at myself. See, what lack of interaction can do? Good thing, I survived. Better news is I am still sane!

What helped me most was figuring out means of buying time and finding entertainment. As for the entertainment part, I took much pleasure in imagining how my little one would look like when it comes out in October. So, I checked out Make Me Babies! And, voila! My babies. :)

(Top Photo: If the baby is a she.)

(Second Photo: If the baby is a he.)


4/15/10

Where Art Thou Heartbeat?

Counting back from my LMP, or spelled out as last menstrual period, the date today says that my child’s age of gestation is 11 weeks. Or simply put, it is 11 weeks old. As such, it was expected that his heartbeat should be audible by now. However, when I went to the OB-GYN, no fetal heartbeat was found and heard by the Doppler. The doctor tried twice, searching all areas of my lower abdominal area. But, they were all to no avail. Concerned, my OB-GYN made a request for a transvaginal ultrasound (TVS) to be done the next day, to check the fetus’ well-being.

Worry was already starting to overwhelm me. I was bracing myself not to cry. The doctor already gave out the possibilities why no heartbeat was heard – that maybe it was a case of fetal demise (a missed abortion, at that) or that the development was impeded. I was trying hard to keep the tears. I felt my heart pounding. I have already learned to love the little creature inside me. (I was comforted then by my spouse who patted my back and told me not to worry. I felt the security when he held my hands and while looking deep into my eyes, he told me that our child was going to be just fine. Seeing and feeling his optimism, I took refuge with him and in his positive outlook.)

The TVS result, the next day, reported a fetal cardiac rate of 165 beats per minute. And though this was not the end of the story of the day, it definitely took away a boulder off my chest.

On the other side of the coin, the result also revealed that I have a subchorionic bleeding making me a candidate for threatened abortion.

Oh well. There’s one thing I am sure of: I will take care of my child. It will not be taken away from me. No matter what. 


04/04/10

Gamut of Emotions

The news of the coming child was indeed huge. Not only did it spark a lot of physical manifestations becoming more obvious, a gamut of emotions also kicked in. For my blog's, I keep tabs of each and every one of them:

Disbelief. Is it disbelief or denial? I really can’t tell between the two. Aside from the fact that my trips to the comfort room have been more frequent and I have suddenly developed a skill in sleeping on cue, I do not feel anything inside me. Is there really a child inside me?

Scared. Yes, I am scared. For the first time in my life, I am feeling like I’m into this struggle alone. I do not know what’s going to happen next. I am not ready. I am unprepared. There are just so many what if’s that comes into my mind. Am I doing the right thing?

Worried. I have always thought that when the time comes that I become a mother, I would have all means then to provide the best for my child. But, I am still struggling in my career. I still do not have things I can proudly call my own. I am worried that I may not become the mother I thought I was going to be. I am worried I would disappoint my child. I am worried I would not be enough.

Rejected. I feel ostracized. I know people are around me physically. But none of them really knows what’s going on behind the bubbly nature, the happy façade. This is, I hope, the first and last time that I would feel alone in my own home. Can I blame them? No.

Excited. The only thought that draws away the negative vibes is the thought of the child – someone who will stay permanently in my life. In my mind, I am already making plans for the birth, christening, and the first birthday party.

It has just been two months now. It is still a long wait.


03/20/10

The Biggest News

Today, I have received the biggest news of my life. I am with a child. God has given me the most unexpected gift. And, now it’s all up to me to give it the gift to live. If you were endowed with the greatest gift – one that will allow you to bring another being into the world – how could you say no?

Knowing that I am not ready physically, emotionally and financially, it’s not going to be easy. It is like getting oneself immersed in a tub of boiling water, consciously. But what the heck, I am no God to decide on who’s to get scalded and who’s not.

I have decided. I am keeping the child. My little one. I am keeping it even if it means that I be burnt alive in my own tub of boiling issues, stigma and dilemmas. I will endure them all. Because, in the end, every burn will heal, every wound will turn into scab, every tear will dry and all pain will be relieved.

I just know it. Everything will be worth it. In time. In His time.

As for now, my waiting begins.

And I am Mother No. 7264.

03/14/10