The news of the coming child was indeed huge. Not only did it spark a lot of physical manifestations becoming more obvious, a gamut of emotions also kicked in. For my blog's, I keep tabs of each and every one of them:
Disbelief. Is it disbelief or denial? I really can’t tell between the two. Aside from the fact that my trips to the comfort room have been more frequent and I have suddenly developed a skill in sleeping on cue, I do not feel anything inside me. Is there really a child inside me?
Scared. Yes, I am scared. For the first time in my life, I am feeling like I’m into this struggle alone. I do not know what’s going to happen next. I am not ready. I am unprepared. There are just so many what if’s that comes into my mind. Am I doing the right thing?
Worried. I have always thought that when the time comes that I become a mother, I would have all means then to provide the best for my child. But, I am still struggling in my career. I still do not have things I can proudly call my own. I am worried that I may not become the mother I thought I was going to be. I am worried I would disappoint my child. I am worried I would not be enough.
Rejected. I feel ostracized. I know people are around me physically. But none of them really knows what’s going on behind the bubbly nature, the happy façade. This is, I hope, the first and last time that I would feel alone in my own home. Can I blame them? No.
Excited. The only thought that draws away the negative vibes is the thought of the child – someone who will stay permanently in my life. In my mind, I am already making plans for the birth, christening, and the first birthday party.
It has just been two months now. It is still a long wait.
03/20/10
03/20/10
